Abah passed away a few months back and yesterday was 3 months to be exact however, there are certain family members and close friends that have been wondering do I grief? do I cry? do I allow my sadness and sorrow to flow out naturally? Of course, I’m only human so I definitely do. I do grief when I recall a certain memory of my Dad but I just don’t share, I do cry but I prefer to cry alone instead of in public and I think that’s just the way I am. I may be a social butterfly and can instantly crack a joke or start a conversation with almost anyone but deep down, I very much prefer things to be very private. Maybe part of it subconsciously, was because I grew up in a very conservative malay family and being the eldest grandchild on both my paternal and maternal sides I used to spend a lot of time with the older ladies. I learned my way to become the best communicator. If you’ve watched Crazy Rich Asians before, imagine the scene where they were doing dumplings at the dining table well it was something along that line.
From accompanying my grandmother to her salon appointments, to shopping with my mother for home stuffs and planning family occasions with the aunties. I’ve done all. Then at the raw age of 12 going on 13, I was sent to a religious boarding school and everything changed. I was bullied on a daily basis. I was yelled at, screamed at, kicked, punched and at that time, the only person I could blame was Dad. He was the villain that threw me into that hell for 5 years! To add salt to the wound, I blamed him for each and everything that caused me that physical, emotional and spiritual suffering and all that was after I delivered a stunning straight A’s for my UPSR. “What a gift Dad!” That was all I could think of at that time.
Then, it was just epic fights between me and Dad all the way until lockdown came in 2020. Everyone literally had to see each other’s faces everyday. Not proud of it but I still recall it very vividly, the most epic fight between my Dad and I was in the kitchen. Mom had to hug me, pull me back and in her sobbing voice she said, “dah la Shaf, dah. He is your father.” Few days later, Dad got admitted into the hospital for a blood clot and I shattered into a million pieces. Did I cause all this? Am I the reason my father ended up on a hospital bed? Am I a monster? To be honest, I did ask that exact question to a girl whom I was seeing at that time. “Do you think I am a monster?”
All glory and praise is for the Almighty and to the Almighty alone. God bless, God willing after that incident, my relationship with my Dad sky rocketed from rock bottom to an all time high! We cracked jokes together, we laughed, we bonded and I don’t even remember the last time I had a real big fight with him after that big incident. It was such a pleasure to talk to him and I did not realise how open minded he can be but never cross the line. The respect must be there! So I guess that was the biggest lesson I learned from my late father was, RESPECT! You’ve got to respect people in order for people to respect you. You can be crazy rich, super intelligent, globally famous but if you do not know how to respect people or worse, you just don’t want to respect people then you’re just as good as a dump site. You’re basically shit!
So if it is true that God takes those they love first, then why is the monster still alive and not my Dad? Why am I the one left here to still get tested by God? Why did you not pick a fight with me after that incident? But that day when I stood up alone, leading a large mass prayer for you Dad it was all clear. Everything, and I mean everything that has happened between you and me and our family has lead to that very moment. That means every ounce of blood, sweat and tears for the past 16 years was worth it and has prepared me for this moment, which is to carry on. Carry on even if things aren’t going your way. Carry on even if you are left with an empty wallet. Most importantly, carry on because we strongly belief, especially when you are doing the right things. Like you said Dad, “the right cause, the right cost.”
To be very honest, some people take a day at a time well these days I actually take a prayer at a time and probably that was why I hated London and wanted to go back home as soon as I stepped foot at Heathrow. The fact that I was not in the best financial positions did not help too but it was the fact that the gap between our nightly prayers and morning prayers was just too damn long man! Catching even a glimpse of sunlight was such a blessing and that truly taught me to put in more effort into appreciating something while they are there. And with you Dad, I appreciated our time together, especially the last few years together. It was short no doubt and yes my arrogance and temper did not help with that timeline but it was super sweet. Sweet like those chocolates you used to bite and leave it in your mouth for it to melt.
In hindsight, I may not be a monster but I was definitely lacking quite a bit in terms of respecting people. I admit, I was privileged. I had a good job, I had money, I had ginormous amount of love from people around me, I had endless amount of friends, I was unstoppable. But now, I’m crippled. I no longer have the privilege of having a father no matter how hard I try to look for one on this world we live in and that’s because you’re no longer here. It’s not fair Dad, you took my tagline, “gerak lu!” But that was it, I was shown love in various different ways and initially I did not know what it was because they don’t really come to me and say “Ohhh, I love you so much XOXO etc etc” but that’s the beauty of love. Love is something divine that crosses the borders between life and death, between time and place, most importantly it crosses the border of The Creator and it’s creations.
It’s a new year, a new chapter, a new spirit and almost everything is new for me this time around. What I’ve learned, if you spend too much time with the girls, they turn you into a bitch, spend too much time with the boys, they turn you into a jerk and I’ve been both a jerk and a bitch in the past but I guess the past is the past. Hence, nowadays I’ve been limiting my time outside and whom I spend it with. On the other hand, I’m also very sorry God, I promise to spend more time submitting and surrendering to you too. Been a bit lacking there as well in the past. It’s quite daunting to go out of the house these days knowing that you no longer have your father alive but I guess that’s what life is all about. It’s the things that you don’t really see but you can feel it that matters most.
So thank you everyone, for the love you’ve shared, for the moments you’ve been there, for everything. I’m left with no words to thank the people around me. It’s 30 years of backlog appreciations for the people who were there but I just did not care. I used to think that they were supposed to be there or it’s their job to be there. Hmm, shame on you Shafique but I guess as humans we truly do learn from mistakes instead of glories do we? So if you don’t fall, you don’t break, you don’t hurt you will never learn and I’ve learned from my mistakes. Or at least I think I have because there are still so many things to learn and improve yet we never know how much time do we have and like a friend said, “time is the only thing that we have and do not have.” But at least I’m going to try, I’ll try to be the better version of myself each and everyday as time goes by.
I was unstoppable once, I’ll do it again. And again and again until God decides it’s my turn to join you there Abah. For now, just like the highways I just need to make sure I go to the most righteous lane and push the pedal to the metal. But to those who care, please do check on me at times. If I’m hogging traffic, do give me a high beam. I was probably taking too much time enjoying the scenery, I need to buck up! I've got so many things to do. From my ACL injury, my high sugar levels, my extra weight, my pending work and so many more but the lessons you've left behind were enough and I'm already taking the first few steps in some of these things. So let’s raise a glass for my Dad, my super hero, my greatest teacher, you were one of a kind and I love you so much Abah.
*Cling!
Love, Shaf.
P/S: Before those self claimed pious judgemental netizens judge me, calm your tits! It’s not a real life alcoholic cheers you idiots. It’s called imagination and creativity. To be honest, I just feel sad that you aren’t enjoying your life to the fullest.
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